Thursday, December 6, 2012

Credit where its due!!

You know, i have been going on and on about me becoming a father, and how epic it is plus scary. But i have noticed i actually haven't actually commended someone, a very very important person to me. My best friend, lover, my wife.
You know, alot of poeple claim they are the luckiest man alive cause they married some special girl, but i have to say this, they have nothing on me. Yes i know that sounds arrogant, but you know what? I am! My whole life i spent seeking revenge on the fairer sex, ever since i had my heart crushed, i made it a point to exact out my pain 10 fold. And i got good at it, i mean real good. Picking out women became a gift, i barely ever was told no. So when i came to this great country R.S.A, i expected nothing less, and i was right. They women were just as easy. Save 1.
Nikki Vuyisanani Golonkiewicz, she really did stand out from the rest, i never was interested in her when i first met her, she was just this really awesome person to be around. And her heart, it is 3 times as big. She actually saved my sorry ass, no lie. I actually owe her everything. And she did it because she said i was her friend.
I have been everywhere around the world met alls kindsa poeple, but i have never met a friend like that, who risked everything for me. She got to know me, the REAL me, she still stayed and was my friend, and believe me when i saww i screwed up a couple of times real bad, we still stayed friends. Even after the couple of steamy runchy moments we had, in secret hahahaha. Yeah those were really good times, but alas thats a whole completely different story. ;)
Then she did something now girl has ever actually done, she actually made me cry. Now alot of people mght think thats a bad thing, but for me it was the best thing any girl could do. You see, her ability to make me cry made me realize, that she was the first girl to weasel her way into my heart, and i made a promise, which ever girl could make me care enough to cry, i was gonna keep her for good. So i did. And she said yes.
We have been married for over a year, and its been the event of my life, i really didn't think life could be this amazing or grand. But once again, Nikki  had to just get the better of me. She made a father. I can honestly say, women are by far the superior sex, the shit they go through just to have a baby, the changes, the pain and the mind set. I envy their strength and dedication. But i also fear that level of responsibility. I am not a quitter i never back down, but i have seen how a woman cant fall asleep, cause her body just wont adjust to the changes, her hormones just mind fucking her brain. And somehow she still keeps it together and smiles when i wanna say hello to my baby in her tummy.
I thought i couldnt love ger anymore than i did when i said i do, but watching her, looking at all the small things she does, and watching her bring my baby to this world, i have fallen into a deeper kind of love, i cant even explain.
So whenever i walk in at 6am from work and i wake her up with a slow kiss, and she says what was that for? I smile and say nothing, but inside i am thinking, thats for making me the happiest man alive, and for saving me from my past.
So here is to Nikki, a fine women, one of a kind. Here is to my wife and the mother of my child. I can never say i love you enough, even after i am dead.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Fears of Fatherhood!

ok, having a baby is no picnic. There is no book out there, magazine i can find and "new parents advice" that i get that can calm my nerves down. So many thoughts, so  much to do and so little time. We are already 17 weeks, i mean it was just yesterday i was running through the complex screaming i am pregnant. And now my baby is the size of a butternut. Sigh! I wanna be the best dad, EVER, i research everything, study like crazy but i am still full of fear. What if i freeze, or forget everything i have so dutifully studied, crammed and memorized?
And there is the expenses. DONT GET ME STARTED on that. I have been constantly doing mental calculations, and jesus these little things are bloody expensive. I still dont know how? I mean they are like 2 feet tall and they cost a fortune.
Dont get me wrong, i am not having second thoughts, or even doubts. Just looking at the photos of the baby sleeping in my wife's tummy bring me to tears, and thats not an easy thing to do to an emotionally distant ass lilke myself. I am dying to meet the little one, show him or her the world, teach em everything, all the lil secrets and short cuts. Give him/her everything i never had, the oppurtunities i lost.
But thats where my fear comes in, the baby is bonding with my wife everyday, what if when it comes i am just another stranger or weird googoo gaga face??
For the first time i dont know how to fix this, everyone tells me it will come naturally, its instinctive. Well thats not good enough for me, i want to be the best thing that kid ever has. Maybe i just have to read more, or study some. I wanna be ready for what ever the baby needs. Or then again, maybe i am just fussing over nothing, or being a paranoid father. Heh, father? I could seriously get used to being called that. :)